


The Thorny Issue

by Teej



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 06:40:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6504823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teej/pseuds/Teej
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some hunting accidents become State Secrets punishable by death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Thorny Issue

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Response to a dual word challenge.  
> Serendipity: A happy accident  
> Erinaceaous: Like or pertaining to a hedgehog

****

## 

The Thorny Issue

****

Decidedly ill at ease, Arthur, looking unusually flushed, rushed up to grasp the physician by his elbow to hurry him forward. “Thank god you're here!” the prince gasped in relief. “You've got to do something quick!”

“I came as fast as I could, I didn't know you were this far out hunting, is there some sort of tr...” Gaius panted before coming to a halt. He stared at the scene before him, one eyebrow rising to his hairline with incredulity and concern.

Merlin, just a few steps behind them both, toting the apothecary bag and assorted others, stopped dead in his tracks and literally slapped a hand over his mouth to keep from saying anything. The look from Arthur guaranteed that he would say nothing at all.

Before them stood a semi-circle of red robed, chainmailed, Knights, standing elbow to elbow, facing outward. They formed a protective barrier from the scene inside the circle. Sir Leon, looking pale and embarrassed, stood on one side of a giant fallen tree. He seemed to deflate in relief at the sight of the royal physician.

Lying over the tree was Uther.

The King hugged the log to his chest with his elbows, one hand gripping a rolled up rag that he was biting into with such savagery that the veins on his temples were bulging out. Grey eyes flashed in anger and pain, his lip lifting in a snarl as he growled. His face was nearly purple and tears were streaming from his eyes.

He was on his knees, and his pants draped unceremoniously around his ankles, his backside lifted high and exposed.

“Oh dear...” Gaius murmured. He looked at Leon, his brow still raised.

“He uh, uh...” Leon stammered, “went to get some relief and had an unfortunate encounter.”

“How...? With a barberry bush? A dead one from the looks of this?”

“There was a bear.” Arthur said limply, causing Gaius to look at him in consternation. Merlin, meanwhile, had silently been setting up the physicians bags within easy reach. His face was carefully schooled in a neutral expression. Though he did appear to be biting the inside of his cheek.

“Well...” Gaius said, stepping forward and viewing the royal backside in a most clinical matter. “Barberry thorns are three pronged and very long. There also appears to be a great many of them, meaning this bush in particular was dead. The results are most erinaceous, to say the least.”

“Erinaceous?” Leon asked, looking at them in confusion.

“Like a hedgehog,” Merlin replied, handing a pair of metal tongs to Gaius.

“Oh dear gawd...” Arthur groaned, planting his gloved hand on his face, his shoulders sagging in defeat.

“I can give you a dose of the poppy, your Highness, before we get started..?” Gaius said, resting a hand on Uther's back, “This is going to hurt and it's going to take quite some time judging from the amount of thorns that are stuck in your...”

Uther jerked the rag out of his mouth,

 ** _“Just get on with it!”_** He bellowed in rage, causing several of the Knights to flinch. Birds in the surrounding trees scattered in terror. 

“Right away, your Highness.” Gaius said, inspecting for where the thorns had reached the most sensitive parts. Tongs in hand, he pulled out the first thorn.

Uther's growling blended into a muted scream of agony while sweat and tears dripped off his face as the trial of removal began in earnest.

“Well...” Merlin said, holding up a small dish for Gaius to fill with pulled thorns. “Look on the bright side, errrr, bad choice of words. What I mean to say is that there will be one accidentally happy circumstance to go with this. It's rather serendipitious!”

Leon groaned and Arthur looked at Merlin in a mixture of embarrassment, ire and severe discomfort.

“No one is ever going to know this happened!”


End file.
